Well, it’s once again time for Yesterday’s News Today. After the last installment which was filled with nothing but bitter disappointment, this week looks glorious by comparison. In reality, nothing particularly exciting happened, but at this point I’ll take gradual improvement. Besides, insider info (not that I put much stock in such chatter) suggests that next week may be particularly exciting… we’ll just have to wait and see. For now, let’s jump back into the land of moderately engaging Nintendo news.
News for People with Extra Money
Just in case the mountain of LEGO Super Mario sets didn’t do enough to satiate your desire for overpriced plastic bricks, the LEGO Nintendo Entertainment System should do the trick. Releasing on the same day for a modest $229.99(!), this set certainly looks the part. It’s admittedly incredibly detailed and looks like a wonderful collector’s item. But, can I justify buying this when I go back to college in six weeks and need money to, well, live? Perhaps if this thing could play a LEGO version of Kirby’s Adventure I’d consider it, but for now my NES Classic will have to do. You can pick up this LEGO Set for $229.99/£209.99 on August 1st, exclusively from LEGO retail stores and LEGO.com
News for People who can’t get enough of Near Field Communication
I always considered my 60+ amiibo collection to be impressive… until I met Nintendad’s Founding Father, Kieran Fifield, and learned that he has every amiibo except for QBBY. Well, if he isn’t quick to the punch he may be down three amiibo, as Joker and Hero are coming (in presumably limited qualities) very soon. These figures will be available on September 25th in the UK and October 2nd in the US. Considering that the pandemic will be forcing people to hunt for these figures primarily online, and as a veteran of the great Palutena amiibo Amazon Crash, I don’t expect this launch to go well. Get your F5 key ready!
News for People who Don’t Want to Form their own Opinions
It’s almost Paper Mario: The Origami King time, which means it’s time to head back to the good ol’ reviews rodeo and listen to people whine about the game’s Metacritic average. Considering that you aren’t allowed to enjoy a game that scores under a 90, good luck having fun with this one. Keep an eye out for Nintendad’s official review of Paper Mario in the coming week, as well as a design deep-dive on the game too.
News For People who Want More Board Games in Their Lives
In a continued effort to announce everything about Mario’s 35th anniversary except for the long-rumored remasters, Nintendo has revealed Mario-themed Jenga and Monopoly sets. While these reveals do little to the distract from the fact that we still don’t know if we’ll be playing Super Mario Galaxy on Switch this Fall, they do actually sound pretty neat. You can learn exactly how these games riff on the classics by checking out this GameSpot article, then you can buy the sets for yourself on August 1st. Until then, feel free to join me in staring blankly at the nearest wall, sighing occasionally, imagining the glory of those 3D Mario remasters.
News for People who like Uncorroborated Rumors
In ambiguous and tiring news, Nintendo Direct rumors continue to swirl around, brining all those who attempt to unravel the mystery to the edge of human sanity. I can only imagine the True Detective, Rust Cohle-like crazed detective bunkers that have spawned from the The Great Nintendo Direct Drought™ of 2019-2020. GameStop is headlining this most recent round of rumors, with mysterious Nintendo Switch game SKUs are appearing in store systems and Nintendo is updating “retail integration services” also at the locations. Some leakers say a Direct is coming on July 20th. I say PHOOEY. I want to believe, but I can’t.
Similarly suspicious are two, private Twitter accounts that have been dug up. As these accounts are linked to similarly-formatted email addresses as other, official Nintendo accounts, people are getting suspicious that news is on the horizon. One account makes reference to Mario’s 35th anniversary, and another makes reference to… F-ZERO?! My heart simply can’t take much more of this speculation, and it CERTAINLY can’t take an F-Zero fake out. If this is a hoax, it will be – as the kids say – very out of pocket.
News for People who have Lost Touch with Reality
Devolver Digital has a yearly tradition of holding E3 showcases that can best be described as fever dreams. This year’s Devolver Direct 2020 was no different – or so I’ve heard. I refuse to participate in whatever sort of gloriously hallucinogenic nonsense that team orchestrates, as it may break the final strand of sanity that I’m desperately clinging to in the hellscape that is 2020. Please enjoy the full presenation yourselves and keep me out of it.
News for People who Don’t like Game Announcements
Ubisoft Forward and Nintendo Treehouse Live are seemingly in a run-and-gun battle for worst July gaming presentation for Nintendo fans, and somehow Ubisoft came out on top. How? Well, by announce no (zero) Nintendo Switch games. However, it was noted in an observation that feels about as credible as the Smash Bros. Waluigi-colored chairs debacle, two Rabbid statues were spotted in the background of the presentation. Mario + Rabbids 2? It’s probably going to happen, but not because there were Rabbids statues at (gasp) the office of the series’ developer. Perhaps we’ll find out soon, as another Ubisoft Forward is scheduled for later this year.
Well friends, we now find ourselves on the edge of the void. Once Paper Mario is in our hands, we’ll officially have an empty release calendar. It’s time for Nintendo to talk – it has to be. So, I’ll bid you adieu in traditional Yesterday’s News Today fashion. I’ll catch you all next week when we’ll finally be discussing a brand-new, freshly announced 2D Metroid.
In the words of Shulk himself: I’m really feeling it.