[Yesterday’s News Today] Here’s Your Friggin’ Direct

Written by Kevin Orme

Today’s issue of Yesterday’s News Today answers the long-awaited question that has echoed over the internet for months: When’s the next Direct, Nintendo? Now you can all finally shut up about it.

The Mario-splosion

You can finally rest easy friends. Now instead of every comment on a Nintendo trailer saying “When’s the next direct?” They’ll all just say “Bubble Bobble for Smash” or some nonsense because we finally got a new direct! It was 17 minutes of Mario all over our faces. Seriously! It was a lovely thing to wake up to here in the states. Nothing like getting your kids ready for school only to see that the Big N has graced you with info.

And let me tell you what, this is just the BEGINNING to how good today has been. Let’s dig in to this good time, folks.

Game and Watch… Sure.

So right out of the gate we get this craziness in standard Nintendo fashion. It’s a Game and Watch handheld, but it also has Mario Bros and Lost Levels on it. Not entirely what I could say that I expected, but that’s just how Nintendo do these days. Good news for all of you folks who have a hard time remembering where your phone is, it doubles as a clock! Hooray! It will cost a gajillion dollars and be sold out in SECONDS.

What in the 3D World??

As many had suspected, Super Mario 3D World was headed our way, but we were all surprised to see that it was getting what looked like substantial DLC. (Enough to warrant the $60 USD pricetag, I hope).Now called Super Mario 3D World + Bowser’s Fury, things seem to have taken a turn for the darker. We have a while to wait before we get any specific details besides what we all remember from playing it the first time as the game is coming out in February. Honestly, pretty excited over here. My kids are gonna LOVE this.

EVERY MARIO FOR THEMSELVES

You know what I honestly love? Taking things that don’t need to be insane and jacking the insanity up to A HUNDRED. Super Mario 35 says “What if we took the simplicity of Classic Mario Bros and made it a 35-player Battle Royale?” So apparently the way to make this work is that as you kill enemies in your game, you send those to defeated enemies to opponents to try and trip them up. It’s gonna be ABSOLUTE CARNAGE… and I want it now.

Mariokart: Home Edition, Literally

Continuing the tradition of “Nintendo, I don’t know what you’re smoking, but I think I like the results”, Mariokart’s next installment (or semi-installment because I don’t think this will replace Mariokart 9) has you using an actual physical RC car with a camera on it and playing the greatest game of AR racing that may ever exist. But at $100 bucks for a game that I’ll probably play… three times? Sorry Nintendo. You already have 200 of my dollars in Amiibos. Polite Pass.

Just Slap Those Plumbers on EVERYTHING

Stuff they also announced Mario tie-ins were being announced for:

  • Super Mariokart (SNES) characters in Mariokart Tour
  • Mario Maker 2 Ninji Speedrun
  • Another Splatfest (Mushroom v Star)
  • Pumas?
  • Clothes and toys
  • A Smash Bros Ultimate Online Tournament
  • Animal Crossing Furniture
  • Probably etching Mario’s face into the moon or something.

Seriously, for the 35th anniversary of Mario Bros we’re just gonna slap that mustache EVERYWHERE. You want Mario Bros in KINDER EGGS!? You got ’em. (Unless you’re in America. No good Kinder Eggs for you.)

Four For the Price of One (Subscription)!

Super Mario All Stars showed up on Switch Online, which, you know, should have been the case ever since they revealed the entire concept BUT THAT’S JUST ME. I’M NOT BITTER THAT THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT GAMES WE DON’T HAVE ON THE SERVICE YET. IT’S ALMOST LIKE…

[We here at Nintendad have decided to hit Kevin over the head with a folding chair until he calms down. Please hold while we bludgeon some sense into him]

What was I talking about? I blacked out there for a second. Oh yeah, Mario All Stars is great. Good add. (Just give me Super Mario RPG, PLEASE! OH CRAP! PUT DOWN THAT FOLDING CHAIR!)

The Rumor is FINALLY Confirmed

At long last, we finally got confirmation on the much rumored, but never seen (until now) Super Mario 3D All Stars: a collection of three of the most beloved 3D Super Mario Games. Coming out in TWO WEEKS (!!!!!) we get Mario 64, Mario Sunshine and Mario Galaxy in one nice little package, but for reasons we can only speculate, Nintendo is making this a limited time deal. You can only get this until the end of March for some reason (artificial scarcity in a predominately digital age means people will buy it if it’s a “limited” product but it’s DUMB) Like, what if I have a friend that buys a Switch next Christmas and can’t have these without paying a truckload for scalper prices? I’ll just grumble about it. It’s a weird move. A weird, dumb move.

Meanwhile, I’ll be over here continuing to make enemies by saying that despite how you feel about it, Super Mario Sunshine is objectively a bad game that lacks clear direction on what it wanted to be and is full of massive technical problems that ruin the gameplay experience. FIGHT ME YOU COWARDS! (Or not. You can like what you like and enjoy it or whatever. Or yell at a guy you’ll never meet and prove how great the game is. We wouldn’t mind the traffic, honestly. Hey is that a metal folding chair?)

And that’s it folks. Unless you care about Fortnite getting Marvel stuff or a bunch of little trailers for Lego Starwars and whatnot. The Mario stuff is kind of a HUGE deal, but what do I know? Expect most of us over here to freak the crap out about playing Mario games for the foreseeable future.

Until next week when we all gripe about Mario Galaxy 2 not being included or whatever. See ya!

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