[Yesterday’s News Today] Morale is Low

Written by Abram Buehner

There was once a time (last week) when I was excited about the prospect of a Nintendo Direct Mini. Well, it’s happened. Yikes! Let’s get on with the news.

Partner No-Show… case

I guess we have to talk about this thing, huh. Well, Nintendo finally dropped a Mini Direct, clocking in at a whopping eight minutes (and thirteen seconds!) long. Full of announcements that are sure to please Shin Megami Tensei fans and literally no one else. Nintendo was able to actually further shake my confidence in the company’s 2020 strategy by finally talking. It’s counter-intuitive, but true! If you actually care, check out our recap of the announcements here, or just watch the Direct yourself. It’ll probably take less time to just watch the show.

F#@!, Zero News

In news that will only shock people who stick a fork in an electrical socket while reading this headline, that F-Zero Twitter account (the one that allegedly was a tease for a new game) was fake. It was all one big, elaborate hoax – not that such revelations are surprising. What’s more surprising is that people believed it in the first place, which speaks both to our communal hunger for F-Zero and Nintendo’s ridiculous silence. Happy 16 years without a new game, fellow F-Zero fans!

The Only Good Thing This Week

Splatoon is inarguably (please don’t leave a comment to the contrary, I’m trying to build an echochamer) the crowning achievement of Nintendo’s modern development efforts. That’s right – I’d shoot Breath of the Wild directly into the sun if that’s what it took to save the Splatoon franchise’s life. As such, I was incredibly excited to see Nintendo announce a bonus Splatoon 2 Splatfest taking place the weekend of August 21st. This one will bring back the classic Splatfest conundrum of the Chicken or the Egg. Beyond that, Nintendo has promised more bonus Splatfests before March of next year, which hopefully is when we’ll get Splatoon 3 announced. FINGERS CROSSED.

This Actually Isn’t News

Source: Alexander Laird on Twitter

Depending on who you are, you may be excited to learn that Waluigi turned 20 this week. However, I doubt that anyone will be excited by the revelation that an old issue of Nintendo Power, as discovered by this Twitter user, informs us that Waluigi’s legal name was Jimmy Poppadopolos. That’s such a nightmarish revelation that half of me wants to believe the truth – that the writers were just having a laugh – but the other half wants that to be his real name. Also, this basically isn’t a news story. I just wanted to frighten you all with this thing I saw on Twitter.

Literally Just Chairs

Remember when people thought that Sakurai having Waluigi-colored chairs in his Smash Bros. video presentation meant that Walugi was coming to Smash? That was stupid. Want to know what’s less stupid, but still involves chairs? The Nintendo of Europe, X Rocker collaboration. If you’re in the market for a Super Mario-themed chair that will allegedly be comfortable, look no further than these rigs, unless you don’t live in the UK or EU, then they won’t be available. It doesn’t really matter though, it isn’t like there’s a shortage of gaming chairs on the market.

A Trojan Horse

So, Xbox had a presentation! Believe it or not, most of the announcements pertained to, well, the Xbox Series X and not the Switch. However, the preshow had a few interesting tidbits, including the reveal that Dragon Quest XI S is coming to Xbox One and PS4. So, it’s become an un-exclusive. Cool? In allegedly more exciting news from the pre-show, Balan Wonderland was announced for Switch. It’s a new, Square Enix-published 3D Platformer from the creators of Sonic and NiGHTS. It looks fine? You can check out the reveal trailer above… wait, what? It’s the gameplay for Halo Infinite? That’s not right. Oh well, I guess you’ll just have to watch that instead. Darn!

And We’re Done

Now we’ve made it to the conclusion. I can tell you that beyond a shadow of a doubt Nintendo will not announce anything exciting next week. I don’t even have the energy to pretend that a Metroid announcement is imminent. Just play Clubhouse Games and forget about the rest of Nintendo’s 2020. Pack it up. It’s over. Done. I don’t even think those Mario 3D remasters are real. At least I have:

  • Cyberpunk 2077
  • Spider-Man: Miles Morales
  • Halo Infinite
  • LEGO Star Wars: The Skywalker Saga
  • Deathloop

to be excited about. What if I had a Nintendo game to add to that list, haha? Unless…

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