Have you ever read something and thought: it would be better if this person had no fingers? Maybe you feel this way about this post or one of the many hundreds that preceded it. Regardless, I’ve read a lot of just really poorly crafted words recently. The lack of identity; fractious prose or the sheer disregard for the source material, all married with the inability to pen with a cromulent modicum of humility got me a’ thinking – just what is the purpose of an electric blanket?
See, beloved reader, I sleep stark-bollock naked. TMI? Probably, but let’s set a scene, shall we? The year is 1743, I’m in the midst of an excavation, hoping to reclaim the bounty of the Andalucía, a 62-gun self-titled ship that was said to contain the heart of Jimmy Iovine. Obviously not that Jimmy Iovine as he wouldn’t be born for 210 more years. Anyway, I digress. After an exhaustive yet fruitful search, I returned to the surface and went about my day, safe in the knowledge that I would make it home, to my time, in time for Pointless.
Speaking of which, the last paragraph was probably the most important thing you’ll ever read. Remember that, in your darkest hour. Anywho!..
Imagine posting content at ten in the evening? Wild!! When I was reviewing Ring Fit Adventure I was told at a hands-on event that it would take two months to complete the game, if just doing a small daily routine. That was late October. I published the article on Christmas Day. Somewhere, somebody found that shit hilarious. The place was my home, the person was me. I still often laugh about that. But that’s neither here nor there.
What I’m trying to say is if you don’t have a coherent plan, adapt. Change on-the-fly. Better yourself. Better others. Challenge yourself. (Respectfully) challenge others. Change your own opinions. Change the opinions of others. Live for yourself. Live for others. Don’t be a shit stain on the underwear of life. Try to provoke whilst simultaneously being docile. The power of words, paired with an understanding of nuance can be your sharpest tool. They can also bludgeon like a blunt instrument.
In the words of Kristoff Bjorgman: Reindeers are better than people. People will beat you and curse you and cheat you, every one of them’s bad except you. Remember that. In your own eyes, you narcissistic chuckle-fuck! In fairness, Kristoff was overly friendly with a reindeer, so probably not the best judge of character.
Speaking of character, have I ever told you all how I see the world as a comic book strip? Like straight-up ripped from the pages of the fucking Beano. If not, I’m probably saving it for the 2023 annual.
If you haven’t yet concluded so of your own volition, this post was expertly crafted to ask the question of What is the point of an electric blanket? Unfortunately, and even after such a thorough examination into every facet of its being, the answer remains that nobody knows. You know what? Fuck trash-tier content, fuck your microwave oven and fuck your electric blanket!
Also. Merry Christmas?